


Fairy tales don‘t always have a happy ending, do they?

by BansheeOdair



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff with a side of angst, M/M, Uni AU, alternative universe, either or this contains, larry - Freeform, or is it angst with a side of fluff, past ziam, ziall
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2016-01-07
Packaged: 2018-02-25 14:53:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 16,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2625830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BansheeOdair/pseuds/BansheeOdair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis and Harry make Zayn believe that he’ll find himself again. And that he’ll find someone who loves every bit of him. Loves every kink of him, every trait, every interest. Appreciates, loves and adores him, no matter what. Louis and Harry make Zayn believe in true love. And there isn’t anything more beautiful than true love.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Or the one where Zayn finds a quirky Irish leprechaun when he wasn’t even looking for one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everything that you’ve ever dreamed of; disappearing when you wake up

**Author's Note:**

> SEMIHIATUS IS OVER AND I'M BACK TO WRITING!
> 
> i decided the other day that i really need to write a beautiful Zayn/Niall story. a few days later here i am with my first chapter.
> 
> turns out this i gonna be an open love letter to  
> \- Harry Styles for being the kindest, most generous and beautiful person ever landed on this planet earth,  
> \- and Niall Horan, my baby, my angel, my sunshine, my cherub, my everything,  
> \- as well as Harry/Louis. Even though this might only be the most beautiful love story ever made up, the Louis/Harry relationship i decribe in this story is everything i want my lovelife to be [same goes for Zayn in this story ;) ].
> 
> The biggest thank you goes out to my lovely, lovely betas [Zoe](http://millionairelouis.tumblr.com/) and [Sammie](http://harrystylesadidasaddict.tumblr.com/).
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it! :)
> 
> Desclaimer: i dont own any of the boys (unfortunately), so this is is all fictional, just some weird stuff I made up while procrastinating from doing uni stuff :)
> 
> Title: inspired by Fergie's 'Big girls don't cry'. i stumbled across that song the day i started writing and really liked the idea of that verse being the title of this fic. 
> 
> Chapter Titles: are inspired by FOUR, in honour of its release tomorrow

Zayn was about fifteen minutes late when he stepped inside the restaurant. He was meeting Harry and Louis for dinner.

The two of them thought it would be good idea to take Zayn’s mind off things. Get him out of the apartment, away from all these hurtful memories. Get him out, back to reality, to hopefully heal his broken heart and mind soon.  Zayn was grateful that he had the bestest friend in the entire world of best friends, _Harry Styles_ is the most beautiful human being in every possible way. He is kind, loving, generous, open- hearted, and simply beautiful.

 “Sorry I’m late! “ Zayn said, out of breath as soon as he reached their table.

 “That’s alright. Don’t actually remember a time you were on time, Malik” Louis responded with a smirk on his face.

 “I guess some things never do change!”

 “I guess” Harry said. while he got up and hugged Zayn tightly. “Happy to see you, love.”

 It was so good to have Harry this close. His hug made Zayn feel loved and that’s all Zayn needed right now, _Love_.

 “Yeah, you too,” he whispered into Harry’s ear.

 Taking it all in, being absolutely grateful once again for having Harry right by his side for almost three years now. Harry’s been there for Zayn. In good and in bad times. Bad times like the last few weeks have been. Harry’s support has been indescribable.

 “Thank you for taking me out on a weird threesome date! “

 “You are always more than welcome Z,” Louis said, while he finally got Zayn into a hug.

 Harry immediately added “Yeah, you’re always welcome to tag along. Lou and I don’t mind weird three-some dates!” He smiled brightly at Zayn.

When Zayn finally got himself out of Louis’ hug, he took off his jacket and slid into his chair.

 “Alright, let’s eat. I’m starving and I can’t remember the last time I ate something which is not frozen or any kind of pizza,” Zayn pronounced and studied the menu.

 When Zayn left the apartment about half an hour earlier, he wasn’t sure this was a good idea. He was comfortable being alone on his couch, eating unhealthy food all day. Watching TV, reading a book, or just painting. Time (to be) by himself. Seeking to make sense of everything that had happened in the last few weeks, trying to get his mind off him.  He slowly started to realize that it was just him, Zayn again. He kind of needed to find a place in this world again. Zayn doesn’t remember who he really was before him. Zayn doesn’t know who he is without him. But that’s what Zayn was trying to figure out these last couple of days, he thought the best way to do it was to be by himself.

 Harry didn’t agree with that. That’s why he said before he left last night after his daily visit, “We’ve all been through this. I know it’s hard. I know it is. But you shouldn’t hide. You need to go out and show the world your face, your beautiful face, love. And I promise you, you’ll soon find something special. And with that, I don’t necessarily mean someone. Just something that makes you appreciate the beauty of life again. And to help you with the first step, Lou and I are taking you out for dinner tomorrow!”

 And that’s how Zayn ended up here, in a fancy restaurant with his best mate and his best mate’s boyfriend.  He had to admit, it wasn’t too bad. Zayn still felt a little uncomfortable but the welcoming and loving feelings he gets from Louis and Harry made him relax.

 “So, what have you been up to today?” Harry asked, after they ordered their food.

 “I kinda almost finished one of my pieces for my art class this afternoon. But that’s about it really. How was your exam today?”

 Harry smiled kindly. “It was alright. Thanks for asking.”

 “Hands down, he aced it,” Louis said, smiling fondly at his boyfriend.

 “As usual? 100 percent!” Zayn added.

 On one hand, it was devastating and heartbreaking to watch Louis and Harry, ‘cause what they have is what him and Zayn lost during the years. Looking at each other fondly, falling in love over and over again. Even though you know every bit of each other, you still can’t get enough, still want to explore more. Loving and appreciating every little thing about each other, supporting each other no matter what.

 And it’s cruel, so utterly cruel and devastating to realize that you have lost it, lost it all. That somewhere along the way you have lost the interest, the excitement, the love, the passion. And with that, you haven’t only lost the person you once loved, but also yourself.

 But on the other hand seeing them be so madly in love with each other. looking at each other like there isn’t anything more beautiful in this world, their love still so utterly strong, growing every day, is wonderful. Louis and Harry make Zayn believe that he’ll find himself again. And that he’ll find someone who loves every bit of him. Loves every kink of him, every trait, every interest. Appreciates, loves and adores him, no matter what. Louis and Harry make Zayn believe in true love. And there isn’t anything more beautiful than true love.

 “Have you decided what to do with the rest of Liam’s stuff?” Harry asked during dessert.

 Liam. _Liam._ Zayn knew that at one point during tonight’s dinner, his name would be dropped. Of course, Liam’s been in Zayn’s life for 4 years. It’s not like he’ll disappear from it one day to the other.

 Zayn met him at the beginning of Year 10 in high school. His family moved from Wolverhampton to Bradford because his dad got a job offer there, so Liam had to change schools at that time.

 Zayn and Liam had sciences class together. Both of them sat quietly at the back of the classroom, following the class attentively. Well, Zayn wasn’t following so much, since day one Liam attended that class Zayn was busy studying Liam. It was a week after meticulously studying Liam, that Zayn decided that he needed to get to know that boy. And it was more than just his favourite food or movie Zayn wanted to know. Zayn needed to know every little detail about him. From head to toe, literally speaking.

 At that point, Zayn would have never guessed what rocky years lay ahead of him and the attractive new kid.

 During their first conversation, Zayn had already talked Liam into a date with him and it didn’t take long till they were officially dating.

When the time of university applications came around, they had their first big row.

 Zayn had applied to a university in Leeds. He never wanted to move far away from home; wanted to stay close to his family, so he could just pack up his stuff and drive home for a weekend when it was getting too much at university. But Liam wanted to move to London; wanted to go big. Turned out, the quiet boy Zayn, once met had big dreams.

 Liam loved music. Loved music with an incredible passion. His dream was to make it in the music business and the best way to do it was from London according to Liam.

Zayn knew it would be hard to keep up their relationship if they lived so far from each other. But he never wanted to be the reason Liam stopped chasing after his dream. It was him who practically forced Liam to accept his university place in London and to eventually move there.

But the first year at university was nothing like Liam expected it be. After he got turned down a million times for internships in different music agencies, he decided to drop out and move back home.

Eventually, Zayn got Liam to apply at the University of Leeds.

 “Just apply for it, and pick different courses you’re interested in. You’ll eventually find out what you’d like to do for the rest of your life. We’ll figure it out. I promise!”

 So that’s what Liam did. He got accepted and moved to Leeds.

 Turned out Liam was very interested, and also talented, in economics and management. After his first term, he got an incredible internship at a big company which turned into a paid student job.

 About a year ago, the two of them decided to move in together. After 3 years of being together, managing a long distance relationship, Liam’s big mental breakdown after his big dream blow and several small rows, they thought nothing could ever come between them.

 Turned out that the commitment of living together was their doom.

 Liam worked nearly every day and when he wasn’t working, he was studying in the library or hanging out with his colleagues. Soon Zayn got tired of waiting all night for Liam to finally come home, so he decided to spend extra hours at the atelier, drawing, creating. Or spend the evening at his old flat with Harry and sometimes Louis eventually falling asleep there.

 They slowly drifted apart, all the beautiful qualities of their relationship vanished. The love and fervour they once had slowly disappeared.

And the weird thing was that Liam didn’t even realize it. He was so into his new passion career and job that he didn’t even realized he lost Zayn along the way.

 It was about 2 months ago when Zayn once again tried to talk to Liam, tried to reveal that this is not how he wanted to spend the rest of his life.

 “We barely spend any time together Liam. I go to bed alone, when I wake up, you’re already gone! This relationship is not going to work, if we don’t see each other. I need you, Liam. I need to talk to you, tell you about my day, and I need you to talk to me. I need to know what’s going on in that beautiful mind of yours. I need to know how your exam went, what mood your boss was in. I need you to talk to me. Otherwise this is not going to work, Liam," Zayn said.

 “But I’ve got a lot of work on my hands.”

 “I know, baby, I know. But it’s been like this since we moved in together last year. Maybe you need to take a step back at work? Work less hours?” Zayn proposed.

 “Zayn, I can’t. I need the money. We need the money.”

 “I suppose you’re right.” He was right, he most definitely was, they needed the money. But Zayn needed Liam more.

 He decided to give Liam another chance. One month. But if Liam wouldn’t even try to change his behaviour, try to include Zayn into his day plans, if he didn’t try, Zayn knew he needed to end things before he’d get even more hurt.

 Liam didn’t change anything. He didn’t even try.

 “Called him earlier this week.” Zayn responded to Harry’s question.” He didn’t pick up, left a voicemail saying he should grab his stuff by the end of the week and leave the key. Haven’t heard from him since!”

 “Douchebag!” Louis mumbled quietly, but Zayn could still make it out. Harry kicked Louis’ leg, to shut him up but Louis was right, Liam was a douchebag.

When Zayn broke up with him, Zayn was heartbroken, devastated. He could hardly keep back the tears. Telling what you thought was the love of your life that he should leave is one of the most terrifying things in the world. But seeing that specific someone not even reacting to it, just staying there, taking it all in, not even trying to change anything about it, that’s cruel.

 “It’s alright, H. Louis is right, he is a douchebag. At least, he has been the last couple of months and he didn’t even make a secret of it.”

 “I know and I’m still sorry, mate. I really thought the two of you would figure it out, make it all work somehow.”

 “I know but it’s not your fault,.” Zayn said with a small grin on his face he added “But I thought tonight was supposed to be the first step into reality again. So let’s not talk about the past let’s talk about all the beautiful things you two lovebirds have planned to get my heart back into place.”

 “YES,” Harry screamed a bit too loud and euphoric. “About that, how do you feel about visiting Louis’ football game on Saturday with me, and maybe a little party afterwards?”

 “Sounds like a plan!”


	2. I don't wanna get lost in the dark of the night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a massive thank you to the lovely [Sammie](http://harrystylesadidasaddict.tumblr.com/) for beta'ing.
> 
> for anyone who missed nialler in the first chapter, you'll be happy to hear that he appears in this chapter :)  
> i hope you'll like this one xx

“Haven’t seen your face here before!” said the blond guy sitting beside Zayn on the couch. He had with a splint around his knee and looked at Zayn with big blue eyes and the widest grin Zayn had ever seen.

Harry, Louis and Zayn arrived at the small house party about 10 minutes earlier. As soon as they arrived Louis wandered off with a couple of dudes from his football team, leaving Harry and Zayn at a loss. It didn’t take long until a wide smile appeared on Harry’s face.

“Hi mate!” he screamed across the room to a brunette guy with stubble on his face.

“Yo Styles, haven’t seen you in ages, missed you. How is life treating you?” he screamed back across the room.

Harry slowly moved forward whilst telling the guy that “Life’s good, man”. Zayn walked in the other direction towards the kitchen, grabbed a beer and moved into what appeared to be the living room. There were only a few people in there calmly talking to each other whilst quiet music played in the background. Zayn decided to sit down on the empty couch, completely unaware of the person about to fall down beside him.

“That’s cause I’ve never been here before“ Zayn responds.

“How come you’re here now?” the blond one nosily asked.

“Louis invited me.”

“Tommo. How do you know, Tommo?”

“He’s my best friend’s boyfriend.”

“Gotcha, you must be Zayn then, right?” Zayn nodded confused, “Yeah, heard a lot about you mate. Nice to finally meet ya. I’m Niall.” The blond fella said with the brightest and widest smile Zayn had ever seen. Niall held out his hand.

“Hi... err.., I’m Zayn,” he said as he shook his hand, “but you already know that.” Niall laughed.

“Yeah... know that!” He responded, “Any chance Styles is here with you?”

“Yeah he should be sneaking around here somewhere.”

“Alright cool. Haven’t seen him in ages. Miss that guy.”

“That’s what one of the other guys just said. Didn’t know Harold was that popular outside mine and Louis’ world.”

“Technically this is Louis’ world,” he laughed, “at least I like to see it that way and secondly Harry is the man.”

“Good point,” Zayn agreed as he took another sip of his beer, “how’d you know them anyway?”

“I’m kinda part of the college football team, although I’m more of a bench warmer than a football pro at the moment!” He laughs out loud.

Never in his life had Zayn met anyone who smiled and laughed as much as Niall. He’d only met him mere minutes ago and already he had laughed at every single miserable intent of Zayn’s jokes. Zayn was certain that Niall was possibly the only person in this world who’d laugh at Harry’s terrible knock-knock jokes.

“Yeah, I can see that. What happened there?”

“Dislocated my knee about a year ago, it was alright until about two weeks ago when I fell during a game. Dislocated it, again ,” he explained “I’m gonna have a proper surgery soon and then hopefully after physiotherapy I’ll be back some time next season.”

“Nialler” Harry screamed across the room with a bright smile on his face, “my favourite Irish fella, how are you and your knee holding up?”

“Stylesy,” Niall responded with an even brighter grin on his face “I’m good, my knee’s doing alright. How’s married life treating you?”

“Still not married, unfortunately,” Harry replied, pulling Niall into a weird hug, “I see you and Zayn already met.”

“We did!” Niall said, smirking at Zayn. Harry squeezed himself in between the two, breaking their gaze.

“He said he’s heard a lot about me. Have anything to say about that, H?” Zayn curiously asked Harry.

“Only about your beautiful face and mind, Z!”

“He did mention his beautiful best friend once or twice when he wasn’t busy raving about his boyfriend.” Niall added.

“What can I say” Harry lay his arm around Zayn and pulled him closer, “I love my boys!”

“My favourite boys combined on one couch!” Louis stumbled over to the three of them.

“Horan, what up, bro?” Louis ask as he came closer to the couch before he let himself slowly slip onto Harry’s lap.

“Hi Curly, missed you,” he cooed fondly, his eyes locked with Harry’s not even paying attention to anything happening around him.

“Missed you too” Harry responded as he grinned brightly at Louis.

“Why do I always feel like I’m part of the furniture with the two of you?” Niall says, and Zayn swore he could hear the smile on Niall’s.

“That’s ‘cause you are Nialler!”

“Thanks Tommo, you’re always such a charmer!”

“That’s how I got this curly mess to fall in love with me.”

“Who says I’m in love with you?”

“You. Whenever I get you on your knees, desperately begging for me to ...”

“Alright, I seriously don’t need to know that!” Niall not-so smoothly interrupted Louis as he tried to ignore the lads with their tongues down each other’s throats.

“Seriously, you two are disgusting!” Niall exclaimed.

The two of them broke off their kiss, still smiling at each other as if they are in awe of the other.

“How do you deal with them most of the time, Zayn?” Niall asked curiously, Zayn just shrugged, “Dunno, guess I’m just used to it!”

Yeah, he is used to it.

He’s used to waking up to those two lovebirds already sitting on each other’s lap at breakfast, feeding each other, reading the newspaper, or just smiling at each other like there’s nothing more interesting in this world.

He’s used to watching movies with these two cuddled up under a blanket, whispering “I love you’s” frequently, eventually sharing a couple of kisses.

He’s used to going grocery shopping with them fighting over food because Harry is really into healthy eating and Louis is just not. But eventually they would agree on something and seal it with a kiss.

He’s used to playing FiFa with them. Of course Harry would win because Louis would distract Zayn or because he would just let Harry win. Either way Harry ends up winning every single time even though he’s absolute shit at it.

Yeah, Zayn is used to it. And he wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s pretty sure he would literally lose all hope in the world if one day Louis and Harry stopped being so truly, madly and deeply in love with each other. They were clearly soulmates.

-

“So you and Harry were roommates, right?” Niall asked on the taxi ride home.

After the 4 of them had talked for a bit about the football match and how Louis made one really, as Harry liked to point out several times,spectacular tackle in the first half, two guys from the team dared them to a game of flunkyball. Niall had participated whilst seated, leaving Louis to do the running about.

Meanwhile Zayn always finished his bottle first so he could help Harry out with his beer because Harry liked to protest that he was just “more of a wine guy”. A fact he liked to emphasize many times. After three games Louis announced that he needed a break.

“Need a break. Too much beer in my belly.”

After that Zayn talked for quite some time with a guy from Lou’s team named Ed. It turned out the two of them had a couple of classes together in the first year. Ed had studying Art, just like Zayn, during the first year but decided to cut back a couple of classes because he wanted to spend more time focusing on his music.

Music. _Music._

He was doing so well this evening. Didn’t even spend a second thinking about Liam. But one simple word brought him right back. It was weird how that could take you back to your misery. And suddenly Zayn wasn’t in the mood for talking anymore. Zayn just wanted to be by himself so he quickly left Ed with the words “s’nice talking to you” and was off to look for Harry, let him know that he wasn’t in the mood. Tell him that it was a nice idea that he brought him along but he just didn’t want to be here anymore.

Luckily he found Harry pretty soon in the kitchen.

“H, thanks for inviting me and spending the day with me, but I think I’m calling it a night.”

“You alright, love?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just tired mate, no worries.”

“Alright, okay. Good” Harry said whilst he was obviously looking for someone, “where’s Niall?”

“He’s just in the living room. Trying to get him a taxi,” a guy at the other end of the kitchen counter said.

“Thanks Stan!” Harry replied and turned to Zayn again “Just letting Niall know you’re going home with him.”

“H, I’m not...” Zayn responded confused to just be interrupted by Harry again “Not like that, you idiot. He only lives about two streets away from your apartment. Thought you two could share the taxi.”

So that’s how the two of them end up in the same taxi.

“Were, yeah. I was lucky enough to share a flat with Harold for the first two years of college.”

“Lucky you,” Niall replied “I had the shittiest flatmate during my first year. Decided that I didn’t wanted to be bothered with anyone so I’ve been living by myself for almost a year now.”

“So you’re in your second year?”

“Yeah,” It was just one simple word, but he said it like it was a million dollar answer. And Zayn didn’t even know why Niall was smiling that bright at him. But he smiled back at him all the same.

“Yeah,” Niall said once again “second year of studying Spanish and Sports. Thinking about teaching primary school a lot lately.”

And it’s weird how minutes ago Zayn just wanted to be all by himself, not talking to anyone. Just wanted to wallow in his own self-pity. It’s weird how one little word had such a big impact on him. But it’s even weirder that sitting in a car with a guy Zayn only met a couple of hours ago makes him nearly forget about everything he just worried about. How a simple smile could make such a difference. It was weird what Niall’s presence did to him. His unbearably positive charisma and that beautiful bright smile made Zayn feel good, warm somehow.

“I think you’d be a terrific teacher!” Zayn says, his eyes locked with Niall’s, still smiling brightly.


	3. There's a future in my life I can't foresee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it took me so long but it's been a couple of stressful weeks. but here's the next chapter i hope you'll like it. thanks once again for reading, means a lot to me xx

“Zaaaynnn, my feet are cold, I need you to cuddle with me. Keep me warm ‘til Lou gets back.”

It was Saturday evening a week later. After Harry dragged Zayn to another one of Louis’ football matches, he invited Zayn over and cooked his favourite pasta dish for him. Since Louis had an important team meeting after the game and they planned to go to a pub for a couple of pints, it was just Harry and Zayn.

Now the two of them were just chilling in the living room with one of Harry’s romantic comedies running on the tv.

“It’s almost June, Harold, how on earth are your feet cold?”

“My feet are always cold” he answered offended, “Lou never questions that, he just cuddles me.”

“Alright, come on over here,” Zayn said, gesturing for Harry to move closer. The sorrowful look on Harry’s face faded and a smile appeared. He quickly moved over to Zayn and laid his head on Zayn’s arm so he could spoon him. He tangled his legs in between Zayn’s and they continued watching the movie.

Zayn was close to falling asleep when he heard someone putting a key into the lock. Seconds later, Louis and Niall were standing in the doorway to the living room.

“How are my favourite boys?” Louis asked, as he slowly walked over to the couch Zayn and Harry were lying on. Niall followed him into the living room, limping over to the other couch.

“Hi, Zayn is warming my feet!”

“I see that, baby.” Louis knelt down and gave Harry a quick kiss. “How was dinner? Did the two of you have a nice evening?”

“Was good. Made Zayn’s favourite dish. I think he liked it!”

“You do realize I’m right here, yeah?” Zayn asked, trying to gain their attention.

“I think he did. Not everyone would just warm your feet.” Unsuccessful.

“Yeah,” Harry says, with a bright grin on his face. “How is your back, babe? Still sore from the one foul?”

“Nah, my back’s alright.”

“That’s good. How was the night with the lads?”

“Good, just missed you,” Louis answered, before Harry pulled him into another longer sloppy kiss.

“Wow, it’s like we are not even here. I’m a bit scared this will turn into something I don’t wanna witness.” Niall said to Zayn.

“Missed you, too,” Harry managed to say between kisses, “You looked good on the field today, Lou. Gonna reward you for that later, babe.”

“Yeah?” Louis questioned with a smirk on his face.

“Yeah.”

“Alright, it’s already starting,” Niall laughed, “Ey yo, you two lovebirds, save the dirty talk for later, yeah?”

“Don’t be jealous, Nialler. I know you haven’t got laid in months, but there’s no need for you to be rude.” Louis frowned. Niall shook his head in disbelief.

“You have no idea how hard it is to get someone in bed with this stupid splint around your knee! Everyone just pities you. This thing is literally a sex killer. The sex killer.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself, Horan.”

“But I feel like I need to. Don’t want Zayn with his beautiful face getting the wrong impression of me,” Niall said as he looked straight into Zayn’s eyes.

“Is he kind of flirting with my best friend?” Harry asked Lou incredulously.

“I think he is,” Louis smirked.

“Alright, this has gone wrong,” Zayn watched as Niall blushed before he hid himself behind a cushion.

With the biggest grin on his face, Louis said, “You don’t have to be ashamed of flirting with Malik. He’s got a pretty face. Those cheekbones and eyelashes, drop-dead gorgeous.” Zayn could have sworn Niall turned even redder.

“Ow, Z!” Harry whimpered, “What did you do that for?”

“Good to know that I’m actually here and not dreaming or something, since the three of you were talking about me as if I wasn’t.”

“You’re still warming my feet though.” Harry grinned at Zayn.

“Yeah about that, I think I’m gonna hand that task over to Lou. I’m calling it a night.”

Harry’s expression turned sad, “Already?”

“Yeah, pretty knackered. Worked till 4 in the morning on one of my art pieces, and since you called me at 9 this morning, I need to catch up on some sleep.”

“Alright.”

“But it was nice talking to you,” Zayn winked at Louis.

“It’s always a pleasure,” he replied with a grin.

“Thank you for the wonderful evening and especially for the lovely dinner, H.”

“You’re welcome anytime, you know that, right?” Harry squeezed Zayn’s hand in reassurance.

“Yeah, I know babe.” Zayn gave Harry a quick kiss on the cheek and pushed himself off the couch, “He’s all yours now,” he smiled at Louis. As he turned to Niall to say his goodbyes, he found Niall already stood, arranging his crutches.

“Is it ok with you if I tag along? I mean, I’m pretty knackered and we’re headed the same way?”

“Yeah, yeah ... sure.”

-

“So ...” Zayn started, trying to fill the awkward silence. And with Niall, it’s definitely awkward ‘cause the boy normally never stopped babbling. Yes, Zayn had only met him twice, but last time Niall had practically talked non-stop. And Zayn had really appreciated it. He liked listening to Niall talk. His Irish accent, his weird laughter, his voice. Somehow it had really calming and comforting impact on Zayn, but it seemed like Niall wasn’t so talkative tonight and Zayn wasn’t sure whether it was because he was still embarrassed by the whole situation at Harry’s and Lou’s or just his tiredness.

Either way, Zayn needed to break the silence.

It was weird because Zayn normally loved the silence. He spends hours alone in the studio, drawing in total silence and he loved it. But at that very moment, with Niall right by his side, the weird sound of his crutches underlining every step of theirs, Zayn needed the silence to fill up with words. He needed the sound of Niall’s voice to fill up the emptiness and awkwardness of the silence.

“So, teacher, huh? When did that become a thing?”

“Quite recently actually,” Niall said, he finally lifted his head up and looked at Zayn. “Went with Tommo to his drama class a couple of times at the beginning of this year, the one he teaches besides college and I loved it. Absolutely enjoyed every second of it. Kids have so much to give, it’s indescribable. But to be fair, I only started playing with the thought of teaching myself after the injury.”

“Yeah? How come?”

“Yeah, the reason I moved to England was to play football. Not necessarily become a professional footballer, but I wanted to play higher. Maybe become a football coach later.

“I wasn’t doing too bad actually. Played for the Irish football association since I was 12. Since Leeds United signed me about two years ago from my old club in Ireland, I’ve been playing for their second team till my knee dislocated the first time about a year ago. After I wasn’t able to practice at all for 6 weeks, and I decided to not go straight back to the pros. I wanted to take a step back. So I talked to the management at United and my coach, and we decided that I should train with the college team for a while. Since the lads are playing pretty impressively good football, it was a good way to get myself back on track without the pressure of professional football.

“Went back to training with Leeds about 4 months ago, back in February. I was just making my second game for Leeds again, when someone from the other team knocked me off my feet,” he imitated the cracking sound, “crrrgw. Literally thought my leg broke into two pieces. Anyways, here I am, 3 weeks later, accepting the fact that I will never play professional football again.” Zayn watched as Niall’s smile momentarily pulled tight.

“Well shit, that sucks. I’m sorry, man.”

“Not your fault, unless you’re the one who tackled me?” He asked a bit curiously, he immediately added “but I doubt it, I’d remember your flawless face.”

It was the second time Niall had paid Zayn a compliment that evening. And even if he wouldn’t admit it, Zayn definitely blushed a bit.

“Anyways, after getting the diagnosis that my life as a professional footballer is officially over, I spent every hour trying to figure out what to do with my life. Good thing I decided to enrol at college even though I got a contract at Leeds United for the beginning. And luckily, I even managed to get acceptable grades. Though I have to admit, I only visit a minimum amount of classes.

“Spanish and Sports. There are not many jobs to choose between with these studies. But then I remembered Louis’ drama class and how much I enjoyed it.”

“And that’s how you decided that you wanna be a teacher?”

“I haven’t settled with that decision yet, but I’m gonna do an internship after my surgery in the summer, to be 100% sure this is what I want to do with my life,” Niall explained, “but so far this decision feels good. I’m quite happy that I found something I could see myself doing for the rest of my life so quickly after my biggest dream just shattered.”

Through the whole conversation, Niall had a small smile on his face. Even when he talked about his big injury and shattered dreams, Niall still managed to have a beautiful small smile. How was that even possible? How can someone be so impressively positive throughout everything?

And Zayn hadn’t even needed to say something positive, hadn’t needed to say something to cheer Niall up. But Zayn really wanted to, he wanted to make that small, beautiful smile turn into a big, genuine and beautiful smile. The smile Zayn had seen already countless times in the short amount of time he had known Niall.

“As I already said the other night, I think you’d be an incredible teacher, Niall.”

“You think?” Niall asked as he looked at Zayn, a bit nervous and unsure.

“Yeah.”

Zayn hadn’t said that just to make Niall feel good after losing a dream, not to only see that smile light up on his face. No, he actually meant it. Niall with his kind and joyful mind, being unbelievably charismatic, the world practically being his oyster, there is no chance in hell anyone would not like Niall to be their teacher.


	4. 'Cause I know that you truly understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, it's been ages since I updated this. But a lot had been happening in 2015 (not only One Direction related), but finally I'm back to writing and working on this fic with my beautiful beta and I'm just really happy that I can finally give you guys a new chapter. I hope you like it.

The next week mostly consisted of classes, work, studying, and drawing for Zayn. The good thing was that Zayn had been successful in getting a job at an atelier about five minutes walking distance from college. He only worked there three afternoons a week but spent most of his time there since he was allowed to come over to draw anytime. He stayed there till midnight every day this week so far to finish different pieces for his art classes but also to study for his English literature and language exams. Since Zayn was never a big fan of libraries and he also couldn’t manage to get anything done at his apartment, the calming atmosphere at the atelier was just perfect.

On Thursday evening, Zayn managed to finish almost all of his paintings. Except for one, the last one, the most important one, the one he was struggling with all week. He decided to keep it that way until next week. He left the atelier at around 11pm and went straight home, to only fall into his bed and go straight to sleep.

His alarm clock went off at 9am much to his disgust, he took a quick shower and was off to his first and only class of the day when he bumped into Niall just outside his favourite coffee shop.

“Hi, Zayn!” Niall said with the familiar smile on his face.

“Hi, Niall.”

“How has your week been?”

“Been quite busy with work and college. Trying to finally get all my pieces for my art classes done.”

“How’s that going?”

“Alright, almost done. Just one more to go, really.”

“Seems like you’ve got more done than I did this week. Luckily I’ve only got 3 Spanish exams and one in sports theory this term but I’m still far away from acing any of those exams,” Niall said with laughter. “Anyways, are you and Harry coming to Tommo’s game again tomorrow?”

“Ugh … I don’t know. But I guess, yeah!” Zayn stuttered.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you guys there then. I’m really sorry, I’d love to stay and talk to you longer but I really need to get going. I’ve got my next class on the other side of the campus and I’m not the fastest lately.” He lifts one of his crutches. “Temporary obstruction,” he adds.

“Alright, yeah. You better get going.”

“Bye, Zayn.” He waves quickly at Zayn, turns around and hobbles off.

-

_are you going to Louis’ game tomorrow?_

What kind of a question is that?

_is it alright if i join you?_

Since when are you interested in football?

_since i recently discovered that football comprised sweaty and steamy men wearing shorts._

Zayn read what he had written and decided to add:

_i might have also bumped into Niall who asked me if the two of us will be there and i might have said yes._

So Niall asked, huh? Anything else you want to talk to me about, Z?

_nothing I can think of rn besides i love you, but you already know that ;)_

Love you, too. I guess I’ll see your pretty face tomorrow then x

  
-

“So, what’s this thing between you and Niall?”

“There is no thing between me and Niall. I just bumped into him on campus yesterday, he asked me whether we’d be here and somehow I said yes, that’s it.”

“Alright” Harry said, and Zayn could see the disappointment in Harry’s eyes.

“Haz, you know you are the first person I’ll talk to if a specific someone stumbles into my life, yeah?”

"I really do hope so!”

“You most definitely are” Zayn said, and a bright smile appeared on Harry’s face. “It’s just I’m not looking for anything at the moment. Still recovering from everything that happened in the last couple of weeks, you know?”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But I’m happy, H. I get the feeling that I’m slowly finding myself again. It’s weird how he took it from me. I was basically a shadow of my former self when it ended. That relationship really affected all of me. My creativity, my confident, my vitality. But I’m slowly reclaiming all of them.”

“I’m really happy to hear that, Zayn!”

“Managed to draw three pieces this week.”

“That’s great, mate. That’s really good, isn’t it?”

“It is,” Zayn said with a smile on his face. “It really is. Taking into consideration I haven’t managed to get any drawing done since the beginning of the year before last week. I was actually considering adding another term, and redoing all of my art classes I’ve taken this year.”

“I didn’t realize you were struggling that much. I’m the worst friend ever,” Harry said, with a frown on his face.

“Are you kidding me? You are literally the bestest friend of all best friends in the world of best friends” Zayn said, and added, “Don’t put this on you Harry. How were you supposed to help me with my drawings, anyway?”

“I could have been your nude model,” he answered with the biggest grin on his face , Zayn burst out laughing. What a beautiful idiot of a best friend he had.

“I still need to draw my final piece …”

“If my Adonis body won’t get you a straight A, I don’t know what will!”

“You do know that my professor’s name is not Louis Tomlinson, right?”

“It’s not like Lou is the only one who appreciates my body.”

“Why are you guys talking about Harry’s body?” Niall asked as limped up the bleachers and sank down beside Harry and Zayn.

“I volunteered to be Zayn’s nude model for his final art piece.”

“If that won’t get Zayn a straight A,then I don’t know what will.”

“Thank you, Niall. Exactly what I just said,” Harry said, and turned to Zayn to add, “Told you Lou is not the only one affected by my perfect body.”

“Well, I appreciate the offer, Styles. But I think I have to decline with thanks. I think I’m gonna go with something different, something not so perfect, someone might say,” Zayn said with a smirk as the referee blew the whistle and the game started.

It was a rough game. According to Niall, it was the second of the league, Louis’ team, against the third, a university team from Manchester. At the end, Lou’s team won by one goal, a penalty they got in extra time.

After Louis showered and Harry placed a hundred slobbery kisses all over his face, mumbling “I love you” and “I’m so proud of you” over and over again, the four of them decided to head to a bar for a couple of drinks.

  
-

Niall decided to take control of the evening activities and they found themselves in front of a Nando’s half an hour later.

“Really Niall, Nando’s?” Louis asked, a bit gutted.

“Don’t know what you’re getting at Tommo?”

“You’ve got 3 beautiful young men around you and you decide to take them to Nando’s?”

“Still don’t see your point” Niall responded, with the widest grin on his face.

After a long discussion between the two ofthem about where else Niall could have taken them and how he now most definitely will never get control of planning an evening ever again, they finally decide to go inside.

Afterwards, Niall takes them to a cosy, small Irish pub just down the road.

“Didn’t expect this after your lack of taste regarding restaurants. Turns out your Irish genes didn’t fail in terms of pubs and pints at least” Louis said, it seemed like he had nothing to nag about this place.

The four of them sat down at a round table at the corner of the pub and ordered their drinks.

It had been one of the best evenings Zayn had had in quite some time. It was nice to be out with friends, joke around, talk about anything and everything really.  
And it had been weird how perfectly Niall fit into their group. It almost seems like it has been like that, the four of them, for years. It had been weird ‘cause Zayn can’t remember the last time someone else had been with Louis, Harry, and him. It had been just the three of them ever since, really. Of course when Liam first moved to Leeds, he’d been out with them a couple of times, but since Liam and Lou never really got along, their weekly “double dates” slowly lessened. But Niall, Niall fitted. And it was not like the three of them weren’t enough. It was not like Zayn ever had the feeling that someone needed to join their group. ‘Cause he loved Louis and Harry, and he loved spending time with them. But Niall’s presence somehow filled a gap. A gap Zayn didn’t even realize was there to fill up. But he did, with his unbearably positive charisma, and his loud and beautiful laugh.

  
-

  
“Alright, I get the feeling you practically know my whole life story, but I don’t know anything about you. So tell me, what are your plans? You study art, right?” Niall asked as they walked back home.

“That’s correct. And English literature and language as well.”

“Alright, I didn’t know that. That’s cool,” Niall said while he tried to concentrate on every step he took so as not to fall. “So what do you planning on doing with that degree?”

“I’m not sure yet, to be honest,” Zayn responded. “When I first applied to college, I just applied for the two things I was interested in the most. Didn’t really think about what to do with it later. But since I’m about to graduate, the question of what’s next is pretty ever-present.”

Zayn sighed. “I quite like the idea of teaching at a night school or even college maybe. But I don’t think I’m ready for teaching yet. I actually reckon I might continue studying, get a higher degree. I don’t feel like I’m comfortable enough to teach anybody anything about art when I haven’t even found myself yet.”

“Sounds reasonable.”

“You think?”

“I mean, I’m not studying art, not to mention my lack of creativity but I think I know what you mean with that. I mean, I wouldn’t want to coach anyone in my current state of being a cripple. Not because I can’t run and dribble or show them tricks. It’s just that my injury made me lose something. I’ve always been good at football. People around me have been talking about my career ever since I started playing. Ever since I found my spot on the field, in the game, I knew what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. When I found my spot, I found myself. And I knew that one day, I wanted to make young boys and girls feel exactly what I felt all these years ago. But now that I’ve lost that spot, I’ve lost myself. And before I’ll ever coach anyone a thing about football, I need to find a new spot on the field, in the game.” He was quiet for a few seconds. Inhale and exhale. “You haven’t found that spot yet, have you?”

No one ever really got around Zayn’s creativity. No one ever really got into a deep conversation with Zayn about his art, or art in general. And it didn’t bother Zayn; it wasn’t like he needed anyone to get his art. He was always delighted and happy when people acknowledged and praised his work but he wasn’t interested in what people thought about the deeper meaning, what he meant with what he drew.

Isn’t it weird that a boy who Zayn met two weeks ago had just given him the answer as to why it never bothered him? Why he never had any deep conversations about art? Why it didn’t upset him that no one ever asked about the deeper meaning?

‘Cause he didn’t even know himself. Because he hadn’t found his spot. ‘Cause he hadn’t found himself.

“Yeah, I guess I haven’t,” Zayn mumbled quietly.


	5. Baby i don’t wanna be alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is short and it took me ages to upload it. Massive sorry. I still hope you'll like this one though.
> 
> biggest shout out to my lovely, lovely beta. Zoe, you are amazing, don't let anybody tell you anything different.

The vibration of his phone brought Zayn back to reality. He kind of fell asleep trying to come up with good ideas for his final project. So far, without success.

He fumbled his phone out of his pocket, unlocked it to see Niall’s name popped up on his phone screen. His message with the words _Where are ya ?_ left Zayn tiredly confused.

The two of them had exchanged numbers before they walked in different directions on Saturday night. Zayn didn’t really expect to hear from Niall, not until he might bump into him randomly on campus again or at one of Louis’ football matches. But here he was, two days later, when another message arrived: _Wow. This is a new low even for me ! I sound so desperate. Let me try again: Zayn, I know we just met but is there a chance you could get me out of here ? _

Zayn, in the extremely tired state he was in right now, could not make any sense out of Niall’s texts.

_Brrzz_

_Out of here = library_

_Brrzz._

_Long story, short: Zayn do you know a good place to study or else i’m gonna murder someone ?_

Zayn has absolutely no idea why Niall asked him, out of all people. He may be known for many things, but studying is definitely not one of them. But the grin that appeared on his face was evidence enough that he liked it. That he is pleased by the thought that Niall choose to contact him. ‘Cause it’s Niall we are talking about, he basically knows everyone around here. And Zayn knows that everyone would gladly help Niall.

_I’m at the workshop. You are allowed to join me if you promise not to destroy the incredibly creative madness going on here right now._

Send.

And it only takes seconds for Niall to respond.

_Deal!_

Another message followed a second later: _If you agree to not kick my leg under the table every five seconds ?_

Zayn rolls his eyes fondly before replying.

_Should I ask why or just send you the address?_

_Address please ! ☺_

So Zayn texted him the address and not even fifteen minutes later Niall stepped into the workshop. He was out of breath and looked extremely tired but he somehow still had the brightest smile on his face.

“I can’t even put my love for you into words, Malik.”

“If I’d have known that such a simple offer is what it takes for you to confess your love for me, I would have done this days ago.”

Niall threw his head back in laughter. “That’s all it takes, I’m easy to satisfy really.“ he said, still grinning wide at Zayn.“Anyway... as much as I don’t want to ruin this beautiful moment. I really need to get things done. I’m so far behind my study goals. I need to start like yesterday to get everything done.”

“Alright, yeah. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, ‘s not like it’s your fault, “ he says with a small smile on his face, and Zayn starts to wonder if there’s ever a time where Niall is not smiling. If there is, Zayn decides he doesn’t want to witness it.

“Alright, so this would be yours for the day.” Zayn says pointing at a small table at the back of the studio.

“Perfect,“ Niall responds and slowly hobbles to the table.

And that was it.

That is how they spend the whole afternoon together. Niall over at the small table, filled with books over books, pen between his teeth when he was not incredibly vigorously scribbling something into his textbook or onto his cue cards. And no, Zayn was definitely not stealing a glimpse or two at the blond boy because he was obviously totally focused on his piece. His final piece. The big, final piece for his bachelor degree. The one Miss Walter has been talking about all year, the one that was heavily weighted in the final grade. The final, massively important piece. And Zayn had absolutely no idea what to draw.

He drew a couple of small pieces over the last week. And they definitely weren’t his worst. He slowly felt like finding his way back into his creativity. He felt inspired again, for the first time in a really long time. His lack of motivation and also creativity and inspiration has been a problem he’d been dealing with the whole term. Not straight way, it had been more of a slow process. Slowly drowning into nowhere, into darkness. Kind of like his and Liam’s relationship.

“Mister Malik, you and I both now you’ve got an incredible talent. Ever since I saw you painting for the first time three years ago I fell in love with your way of drawing. Your creativity, abstractness skillfulness and precision are exceptional. And you’ve learned and accomplished a lot over the last few years, but lately I’ve missed the spirit I fell in love with, Mister Malik. Life is hard sometimes, and we obviously can’t perform on the same level every single time. I have no idea whatever it is that is holding you back or that is keeping your spirit. But I’d advise you, free yourself. You are greater than this Mister Malik. We both know, there is so much more in you, and it’d be a shame to hide that from the world.”

Is what Miss Walter, his favourite tutor, told him during his first weeks this term. Without knowing what was going on in his life, but apparently he indirectly showed in his art, that something wasn’t right.

Zayn has been struggling to find his spirit and creativity all term. And somehow he managed to lose it all during that process. Zayn doesn’t even know when he stopped drawing, but one day he just did. It might also have been the day, he saw, what he thought was the love of his life, leaving their apartment, for good. That day also might have been the day all of Zayn’s energy, spirit and creativity left his body. Yeah, it might have been that day.

So what Zayn is currently doing is actually a big step. A massively big step. After a month of not drawing at all, he found himself with three small but finished pieces in the workshop with a blond boy with astonishing blue eyes. And he feels like his spirit is slowly crawling back into his body. And that, hopefully, there is more to come.


	6. Mind is running in circles of you and me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the biggest thank you of all thank you's to my lovely and beautiful beta Zoe. I'm glad I found you. [Also I'm glad we are currently on a 3 hour skype call which was supposed to be for writing on chapter 7 but ended in us talking about literally anything BUT chapter 7. I just want you to know, that you are wonderful & you don't have a bad humor!]
> 
> This one might be heartbreaking, but ... Niall. That's all I am saying. The knight of shine and amour.

It’s Friday night. Movie nights at Harry and Louis. Just the four of them because apparently that’s a thing now. And Zayn likes it. He likes this a lot. It seems like he’s almost found his safe space again, his comfort zone. And he’s also regained most of his energy and creativity.

Then his phone lights up.

_BRUZZZZZ BRUHZZZZ_

It’s been a bit over two months. Two months and eleven days to be specific. Yes, Zayn is counting. He doesn’t even know, why. But apparently he is. And apparently his newly built comfort zone including his regained creativity and energy falls apart by one unexpected call.

_BRUZZZ BRUZZZ_

Zayn is staring at his phone. He doesn’t want to lift his head and see if the others have noticed too. He doesn’t want to pick up, either.

_BRUZZZZ BRUZZZ_

“Zayn, love,” Harry mumbles softly into the silence. Maybe it’s just his imagination, but Zayn doesn’t know why it’s so incredibly silent. He is sure it wasn’t this silent just a couple of seconds ago. “Zayn, should I-” Harry continues, but Zayn interrupts him by shaking his head drastically and an almost silent “No.” “It’s okay if you don’t pick up. You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” His voice so incredibly soft, and Zayn loves him so much for saying these words. Even though they both know that he should. That he should pick up. That he should talk to him. ‘Cause there is still so much unsolved, so much well-deserved closure that Zayn has yet to receive. If he does receive it, Zayn might slowly find his way back. He might slowly recover. But he knows, and so does Harry, that he will never fully recover, that he will always be tainted by the pain and anguish Liam caused him, if he doesn’t make a clean cut under the last four years. Picking up the phone right now would make the first step into the right direction.

_BRUZZZ BRUZZZZ_

Zayn gets up quickly, grabs his phone with his left hand and rushes out of the living room. When he makes it into the kitchen, he clicks the answer button and moves the phone slowly to his ear.

He only manages to get out a low, “Hi.”

Nothing.

Dead silence on the other end. Zayn can hear his own heartbeat thudding in his ears. Fast and loud. He can do it. He knows he can.

“Hi.” He says again, this time a bit louder and less croaked.

He hears a commotion on the other end. And then a small exhale.

“Liam?” he says with a really soft voice.

He hears him clear his throat, followed by a quiet “I’m sorry.”

Dead silence.

Zayn can do this, he can. As long as he doesn’t forget how to breathe.

Inhale. Exhale.

He can do it. He breaks the silence.

“It’s alright.” He says, his voice barely above a whisper. Zayn exhales shakily before speaking again.

“It’s alright.” It seems to be the only thing he can manage to say. Zayn forces himself to say anything, anything but that again.

“I’m alright.”

“It’s not alright, Zayn. What I did, it’s far from being alright.”

“It is.”

“It’s not, Z.” Liam starts. And Zayn has to swallow. Z. _Z._ That’s how Liam always called him. But not when they were fighting or discussion serious topic.

He called Zayn Z on a lovely autumn day when they were walking around the woods and Zayn was trying to get the perfect picture of Liam, to capture that perfect moment, but Liam was not having it and muttered an angry “Z, get that thing out of my face”, but they both know he liked when Zayn tooked these sneaky little pictures.

He called him Z on a lazy sunday afternoon when they were cooking together and Zayn accidentally put a pinch of sugar into the saucepan instead of salt. “You’ve ruined it, Z.” he would say while rolling his eyes, which was obviously followed by a soft peck on his cheek and a quiet, “It’s ok. Don’t worry. It will still taste divine, Z”.

He called Zayn Z when snuggled himself into bed, tugged himself under the blanket and mumbled a small “I love you, Z.” before he fell into a well deserved sleep after a long day of work.

Those were the moments Zayn was Liam’s Z. And this one did not fit in with these ones. This one was the odd one out. And Zayn doesn’t know what to do with it. He doesn’t. Not with what Liam was saying nor with all these emotions boiling up in him.

“It’s really not. And I’m deeply sorry for everything. I am. I need you to know that. I’m so, so sorry, Zayn. And I wish I could find words right now which don’t sound worn out. But apparently all I can say right now is that I’m sorry, I really am.” He says, and continues after a heavy sigh, “I’m sorry for how I treated you. For how I treated you at the end of our beautiful relationship. No one deserves to be treated that way, and I’m incredibly ashamed of myself that I did this to you. You’ve been nothing but genuine and kind to me, not to mention devastatingly beautiful. You deserve nothing less but a heaven on earth. You deserve everything, Zayn. And apparently I wasn’t able to give that to you in the end.”

Inhale. Exhale.

“I just want you to know, that this is all on me. And again, such worn out words. But it’s true. This is not your fault, Zayn. It’s not. This is all on me. I hope you know that. I need you to know that.” Liam takes a long pause after that.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.

“I’m sorry it took me over three months to tell you that.”

“Why?” Zayn finally gets out. It’s probably too heavy with emotion to be able to pass the question off as simple curiosity, but Zayn really couldn’t care less right now. He just needs to know. “Why now?”

“I don’t think I can give you a good enough answer, not the answer you deserve. I guess I first tried to make sense of it all and then it took me ages to find the guts to talk to you. I know I should have done this earlier. Should have picked up your phone calls, should have call you back. Should have come over to pick up my stuff. But in the end I’m nothing more than a fucking coward, not only for not calling you for three months, but also how I behaved over the last year. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Zayn. For everything.”

“I forgive you.” There is a long silence after that but then Zayn hears Liam breath soothingly.

“You have no idea how good it is to hear that. But I of all people know, that I hardly deserve forgiveness. It shows once again what a beautiful person you are Zayn, inside and out.”

“Thank you.” Zayn says.

The rest of the conversation is more a blur of words than anything else. Zayn needs to sit down. He needs to get his heart beat to a normal rate. He also needs his hands to stop shaking and his mind to go crazy.

Inhale. Exhale.

That’s when he feels a comfort hand on his shoulder and he automatically moves into the touch of his best friend. He already feels a bit reassured.

-

Shortly after Zayn ends the phone call, he decides he needs some time to himself. Time to try and make sense out of this. To sort out his mind. And most important get some air. Get a full deep breath and just relax for a moment. So Zayn finds himself on his way home five Minutes later. After Harry had assured him that it is okay if he leaves early. And that “No, of course no one will be mad”. So without any further dispute, Zayn grabbed his jacket and left the flat.

He knows that he should have talked to them. He should have at least explained himself before he left. But he also knows Harry. And he’s sure that Harry knows exactly what’s up, what just happened. And he knows that Harry will find the right words to explain the situation, make sense out of Zayn’s sudden leaving, even better than Zayn probably could’ve done himself. Zayn knows he will. He always does.

While Zayn slowly walks through the streets, Liam’s voice and words come up in his head.

_“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry, Zayn. For everything.”_

Breathe. Inhale. Exhale.

Breathing is still exhaustingly difficult. He feels like he is being strangled. But Zayn breathes slowly, tries to fill his lungs with fresh air. Tries to get his heart rate down and get rid of the heavy burden on his lungs and the string on his throat.

Inhale. Exhale.

_“It’s not your fault, Zayn.”_

Why did Liam decided to call now? It’s not like Zayn didn’t want this talk, this phone call. But he would have preferred that they had this conversation weeks ago. Not now. Not when Zayn feels like he might finally be turning a corner in his life, only for Liam to drag him back down again. Zayn tried to call Liam after he left. He did. So many times. But Liam never picked up. He never picked up when Zayn needed him to. He didn’t. He left him hanging. Left Zayn hanging with his confused thoughts and his utterly broken heart. He left him alone with all these feelings, with all these unanswered questions. And it took a long time for Zayn to sort it all out by himself. To make sense out of all the things that happened, or didn’t happen. Harry helped him. Of course Harry did, he was there for Zayn from day one. But in the end it was up to Zayn to make sense out of it, to get over Liam and fix all the damage he’d caused.

_“You deserve everything, Zayn.”_

Apparently he does. But the irony is that the person he once wanted the most - his everything - disappointed him bitterly. And when he finally found a way back after that heavy setback, found a way to himself, found a meaning in his life again, that someone decides to topple it.

_“You deserve everything, Zayn.”_

He does. He just needs to find a use for Liam’s triggered emotion within his new self. And he knows exactly where he needs to go right now.


	7. Lost my senses, I'm defenceless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn goes home [that's it. really.]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one started out with me asking Zoe whether she was up for writing this Chapter with me, cause I had a lack of motivation. She said yes, so we had a LONG skype date last wednesday. Outcome: the first 500 words of this chapter, after two hours talking about any but this chapter. But it was lovely, and totally worth the lack of sleep that night. THANK YOU MY BEAUTIFUL LITTLE ZOE, MY DYSLEXIC PARTNER OF EMOTIONS. I'M HAPPY WE FOUND EACH OTHER. :)
> 
> PS: I turned this chapter into something or somewhere I wasn't expecting when we started writing last week, but I'm quite fond of the outcome. I hope you'll like it, too.

When Zayn wakes up, he first doesn’t know where he is. He is really confused and disorientated. And then he remembers that he took the train on friday night. Took the train home, to finally be in a welcomed and loved enviroment. Not that his home in Leeds isn’t welcoming, or loving, but sometimes it’s nice to have no one poking their nose in where it’s not wanted. Sometimes it’s just nice to have some alone time.

Zayn moves under the bed sheets and winces in pain as his foot hits the bed post. He only vaguely remembers coming home on Friday night to pack his bags to leave for Bradford, kicking out at the armchair - the one Liam saved up for, for months - in a fit of rage.

_How dare he leave after almost four years without even fighting, without even saying goodbye. How dare he leave like that, not picking up his phone, not talking to Zayn for over two months. Not giving him any explanation. Nothing. And then out of nowhere he called. He called._

_It’s not fair though. It’s just not fair. Coming out of nowhere, telling Zayn all those things. Telling him, how sorry he is. Telling him, how he deserves everything. It’s not fair, to hear those things now. And it’s sure as hell not ok for him, after all this time, to call Zayn by his nickname. Who does he think he is?_

Now he finds himself in his old bedroom, with a bruised foot and bruised heart.

Zayn sighs heavily. And forces himself to get up. He hasn’t left his room since he arrived late friday night. And he thinks it’s about time he should show his face. Let his family know that he is alright. That he is fine.

His mum tried to talk to him twice on saturday morning. Unsuccessful. Zayn locked himself in. He didn’t wanted to see anyone and he sure as hell didn’t wanted to talk. Especially not with his mum. Which is funny since his first instinct after he and Liam hung up, was to talk to his mum. And now he is here, it’s the last thing he wants to do. ‘Cause what should he tell her?

He can’t tell her that he failed. That his and Liam’s relationship failed, that in the end it didn’t work out. And that Zayn still doesn’t know why. He still doesn’t know where it went wrong. What actually happened. He just failed. They failed. Guess it’s time for him to finally leave his cavern. Talk to his mum. Explain it all. The mess that is his life.

Maybe it will help him sort it out, maybe it’ll help him make this all less blurry, more transparent. Zayn gingerly makes his way down the stairs, hoping not to run into any of his three sisters on his way to the living room. He can hear the television playing some old Hitchcock film, so he knows his mum is there. He peeps his head round the door to make sure she’s alone- she is.

“Hi poppet,” She smiles at him when she notices him standing in the doorway.

Zayn juts out his bottom lip and rubs at his eyes, “Hi mum.”

“Oh sweetheart, don’t cry, come here,” His mum tuts, opening out her arms for Zayn to fall into.

He’s not crying, not even close, but sometimes it’s nice to have a little cuddle with his mother. So he falls into her arms gratefully, the two of them curled up on the sofa together, the black and white film flitting on the television behind them. “I’m glad to see you out of bed finally. Was quite worried you might never leave that room. You always had a soft spot for your room. Remember how you spent all of your christmas holidays in your bedroom when you were six. Got that really cool superhero colouring book with those special coloured crayons you wanted for months. Didn’t really get to see your face a lot during that holiday, neither did your school friends. Guess something’s never change.”

Zayn remembers that christmas, and it’s till this day his favourite christmas. He remembered how he wanted those crayons all year, since Dave brought them to class after his birthday in March. Zayn’s birthday had just passed, so he patiently waited all year for christmas to come around and when it finally did and he got those crayons, there was no other way to spend his holiday than up in his room, drawing night and day.

“Guess it’s not a new set of acrylic colours that’s keeping you up there, hiding from me this time, is it?”

Zayn shakes his head. His mum smoothly glides a hand through his hair. “Whatever it is that is keeping you up there, doesn’t need to stay up there. So whenever you feel the need to talk, whenever it all feels too much, too heavy. I just want you to know I’m here for ya. I’m here Zayn. Always am, always will be.”

It’s incredible what a hug and warming words from a mum can do.

“Thanks,” Zayn mumbles almost silently into his mum’s shoulder.“Thanks, mum!” He repeats cause he wasn’t sure if she even heard it the first time.

\----

It was two days later, when Zayn woke up, that for the first time since Liam’s call on Friday that he felt different. That he feels like getting up. Like taking his life back into his hands. And he feels like talking to his mum would be a good first step.

So he gets himself out of bed and puts on a loose track pants and a jumper. Opens his door carefully and steps out into the hall. Zayn slowly walks down the stairs, no sound besides steps squeaking under his every step. When Zayn enters the kitchen he saw his mum sitting outside in the beautiful summer sun with the newspaper and a big mug of tea. So Zayn decides to join her.

He opens the patio door cautiously. Took two, three steps and let himself sink down to one of the deckchairs.

Trisha slowly lowers the newspaper. “Morning sunshine,” she says with that small but so familiar smile on her face. “How are you today?”

“Better, I guess.” Zayn answers.

“That’s good. I’m glad. You do look a lot better than the other days.” she responds, backtracking with a grin, “Not so sure about the smell, though.”

“Sorry, haven’t showered yet. Felt like talking first.”

“Talking, huh?”

“I think I have some explaining to do.”

“I hope you know that you don’t have to explain yourself to me, Zayn.”

“I know, Mum.” He assures her. “ But I need and want you to know.” He takes a deep breath. “Not sure where to start, really.” Another deep breath. “Alright, uhm.”

“Babe, breath.” Trisha says while offering her hand to Zayn.It’s amazing how she always manage to assure Zayn, that he is indeed in a safe place. That he is always loved and welcomed, no matter what.

He remembers the day, he told her. He didn’t even really need to tell her. She knew. Zayn doesn’t how. But she knew.

_Nothing specific happened that day. Nothing that wasn’t something that Zayn didn’t already take as normal at this point. It’s just somehow, that day it all came together. The feelings Zayn was keeping inside. The ones he kept to himself just overwhelmed him. He just couldn’t keep them in anymore. Too much, simply too much to handle._

_It was a normal, spring day in Year Seven, that Zayn’s feeling were just too much, that he just started crying at the dinner table. It was when his Dad told everyone that he met Miss Edwards and her lovely daughter today at the supermarket. “Such a beautiful young lady, that Perrie girl. I realised I haven’t seen her in a while. Hasn’t been around a lot lately. How come Zayn?”_

_“Dunno,” he mumbled quietly while picking around in his food. Really not up for discussing that one right now._

_“Always liked her. Such a contentious girl that one. The perfect daughter-in-law.”_

_And that was it. He started to tear up. And Zayn couldn’t hold it back. It was all too much. So he got up, so fast his chair hit the ground. He left the kitchen immediately and rushed up into his room, slamming the door shut. Five minutes later, when his mum stepped into his room, he realised he forgot to lock it._

_“Sweetheart.” she said calmly. “Baby.” Sitting down on the bed beside Zayn. Stroking him, slowly, assuring. “Zayn, babe, what’s the matter?”_

_“I don’t like her that way.” He responds after a long break filled with nothing but slow heavy breathing. “I don’t like her that way, Mum. Not her. Nor any girl really.” He said. The hardest words that ever came across his lips, but also so utterly freeing._

_“I know,” his mum answered almost instantly and started crying even more, “It’s ok, baby. Shhh, it’s ok.”_

“Liam and I broke up.” He doesn’t know, why he hasn’t told his mum yet. Because that assuring, supportive and caring look on his mum face, is everything Zayn didn’t know he needed. “It’s been over two months. And I don’t know why I haven’t told you earlier. Guess I wanted to figure this one out by myself. Look where it got me.”

She squeezes his hand tenderly. “I’m glad you are telling me now.”

“I’m sorry, I haven’t told you earlier.”

“Nothing to be sorry about, Zayn.”

So he tells her. Everything from the beginning. It’s not like he hasn’t talk to his mum during the time Liam and him had their first fights and disagreements. It’s not like this is coming out of the blue for his mum. He still tells her everything. Fills her in with all the details. How he talked to Liam three month ago. Giving him some kind of ultimatum. But in the end, he didn’t change. Like he didn’t even listen to Zayn. Wasn’t even aware of it all. And how Zayn made him pack his bags and leave for good. How he ended up, being a mess. Not that he wasn’t one before. But since he lost all of himself throughout the whole process, with Liam leaving, Zayn was at a really dark place. It was Harry who showed him the light of life again. Who slowly made Zayn go back to his classes and out for little walks and coffee dates. It was Harry, and Louis who slowly pulled him back. How he slowly managed to cope with all this feelings inside of him. Tells her, how he slowly got back into drawing again. Something he didn’t really enjoyed doing all year.

“I wish I’d have known Zayn.”

“It’s ok. I didn’t tell you on purpose. I didn’t want you to worry. I’m old enough. I somehow managed my way back, didn’t I? They helped me alot. They really did, Mum. All three of them.”

“Three?”

“Yeah, three. Harry, Louis and Niall.”Zayn says assuring and then remembers “Haven’t told you about Niall yet either. Right.”

So he tells her about Niall. How he met him on a the first night out after the break up. How Harry and Louis dragged him along to one of those football parties and he ended up besides Niall. And he straight away seemed like a nice guy. With that beautiful smile of him. And turns out he is quite the good listener as well.

“Wanted to be a professional footballer, until recently some stupid bloke got him off the wrong foot. Knee is fucked up now. He needs to go in surgery soon, but there is no way he’ll be able to play professional again. But he’s been studying at Leeds as well. Getting a degree in spanish and sports. Thinking about becoming a teacher. I already told him that I think he is gonna be a good one. Anyways, we’ve been some kind of study buddies these last couple of weeks. We hang out a lot lately I guess. All four of us really. He is just really lovely. Really nice. And he has a really beautiful smile, Mum. He is just.. Niall.” He finished what he just realised was a long monologue about Niall.

And his mum smiles brightly at him, squeezes his hand one last time, saying, “I think you are doing just fine, Love. I think you’ll be just fine.”


	8. 'Cause I know that you truly understand

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. My life is currently covered in Uni Stuff and as much as I hate doing, unfortunately I still have to do it. Anyways, a new chapter, a new year. I hope you all like it. Also: Happy New Year to all you lovely people.

After the long talk Zayn had with his mum, he feels extremely exhausted and decides to get some more rest. He slowly makes his way upstairs to his room, gets rid of his clothes and lets himself crawl under the covers. And even though the exhaustion pulls through his whole body, makes every part of his body feel heavy and sore, his mind seems wide awake, his thoughts racing.

It’s hard to pick out what exactly he was thinking about at first. Or maybe it isn’t really, cause it’s been Liam who’s been on his mind since Friday. And he is not sure if he is worrying too much, or overthinking it all. But whenever it’s just him, his thoughts go back to Liam. Go back to their conversation on Friday. And he is still trying to make sense out of it all. Talking to his mum helped a little bit, but he is still so confused. Why did Liam wait so long to contact him? Why did he just call him up out of the blue and ruin all the progress Zayn had made? Why is Liam so selfish? It would have been so much easier if Liam would have picked up one of Zayn’s many calls. Or if he never called at all.

Zayn was doing fine before Liam called. He didn’t need him to interfere. His art was going well and he had Harry and Louis and Niall. They were helping him be alright again. Helping him forget. But Liam screwed that up with one simple phone call. Leaving Zayn all confused.

So here he is, all confused and flustered, in his old bedroom and he just doesn’t know what to do.

Besides the confusion, Zayn also feels guilty. Because he’s been with his friends while Liam called. He had a great time, watching movies, talking about anything and everything. Just having a good time, proper laugh. And then Liam called. And he ruined it. Zayn let him ruin it. He made he leave. Leave his friends, without any further comment or explanation. And even though Harry said it’s alright. It really isn’t and Zayn knows it isn’t. He hasn’t let Harry know that he is actually ok. Or that he went home. And Harry’s probably worried sick. And Zayn knows it’s not ok that he just left and didn’t get back to them. Harry deserves to know, he does. So he decides to get up, get his phone out of his bag. He hasn’t touched it since he turned it off on Friday evening when he entered the train.

He gets back into bed, phone and charger in one hand. It takes a while to turn on after he’s plugged it into the wall, but when it does, he’s met with an umpteen number of messages and missed calls from Harry. Zayn sees that Harry tried to call him a couple of times on Saturday evening. Since then he only left short little messages.

_Love, I just hope you are ok. Your phone is sending me straight to voicemail so I guess you turned it off. Just letting you know, I’m here for you in case you need to talk. xx -H_

_Tried again, still no luck. I’m just worried. Please get back to me soon. xx -H_

_It’s Sunday morning. Still haven’t heard anything from you, if you not getting back till midday, I’m coming over with a cup of coffee and maybe some icecream. xx -H_

_Z, your mum called me. Let me know you are home. I’m glad you are. I hope you are fine. If you feel like talking, you know I’m always here for you. Day and Night. xx - H_

The last one from this morning says:

_Still haven’t heard from you, and that’s fine. But I just need to let you know, that I’m waiting for you, take all the time you need. Get back to me when you feel like it. All the love xx -H_

Zayn closes his eyes and rests his head back on the pillow with a sigh. He feels really, really bad. Harry obviously is really worried and he’s been stubborn and unresponsive. He is glad, that his mum informed Harry that he is actually ok and alive but it’s probably best if he shoots him a quick text himself.

_i’m sorry i haven’t replied to any of your calls or texts. i turned this thing off the minute i left leeds. i should have probably let you know that i was leaving for a bit. trying to sort things out. i’m sorry i didn’t._

Not even a minute later his display lights up, showing a reply from Harry.

_I’m glad you texted me. I was worried sick, even though your mum told me you’re alright. If you up for talking I’m here. If not, that’s fine too, still here. Always will be. xx -H_

Zayn loves Harry. And sometimes he doesn’t know how someone like him even deserves a best friend like Harry Styles. He is too good for this world, a heart of pure gold. Always making sure that everyone around him is happy and comfortable. And let them know that they are welcomed. And he is here for them, always.

_thanks, i’m alright. not in my bestest state, but i’m getting there. i’m not up for talking right now, sorry it’s not you, but i still need to sort some stuff out and i know i need to do this by myself. promise you that i’ll get back to you soon though. ps: tell lou i’m sorry, yeah?_

_That’s alright babe. Love you. xx -H_

Zayn’s glad he got that one out of his system. That Harry knows he is alright and that it’s ok for Zayn to get back to him, to talk to him about all of this when he is ready. But he sees there is one more unread message in his inbox. And he is not sure if he is ready to open it yet.

To deal with it yet. Under Harry’s name there is Niall, and a blue dot next to his name, indicating that he has one unread message from him. Zayn is not sure whether to open it or not, he nervously tapping his nails agains the back of his phone. When he accidently opens the message.

‘alright, seems like i’m dealing with this now.’

_hi mate, thought about texting you and whether or not it’s a good idea, but in the end i thought i should let you know that i’m thinking about you and i just hope you are fine, and if you need someone to talk to i’m here for you. even though i might not be the first person you would want to talk to right, i just thought you should know._

And it’s funny that within a second he’s got a small smile on his face. And it’s funny how Zayn didn’t feel like smiling in days, when apparently all he needs is a message from Niall to make him a bit happier again. To make this mess he’s been dealing with a bit better.

So he decides to text him back.

_sorry i left in such a hurry on friday, didn’t planned on ditching you. but i’m ok, at home right now. i’ll be back soon i think, we should reschedule the movie night._

He presses send after rereading it a couple of times. It’s quite casual. Not really telling that much. Just letting Niall know that he is ok. And that he didn’t planned on leaving in such a rush and that he is sorry that he did. Casual. Because Zayn is not sure, if he wants Niall to know more. Because telling Niall more involves a lot more than Zayn is ready to share with Niall yet. And he feels like he is not ready to do that yet. Not yet. One day maybe.

The next couple of days go by in a rush. He spends a lot of time talking with his mum, playing with his sisters, drooling a lot in his bedroom. Just clearing his head, not thinking about anything. And he realises coming home was the best idea he’s had in ages. His family, how loved and adored he is, how much they missed him, give Zayn so much he didn’t know he needed.

Also there are these little text conversation he is sharing with Niall back and forth. And doesn’t quite like to admit that these little late night conversation made him feel a bit better. But he would be lying to himself wouldn’t he? It’s just that Niall’s carefree and bright personality even shines through texts. And with every single word he makes Zayn’s shuttered self slowly building up again. He makes him smile, and feel loved and understood. And it’s really just the simple things they talk about, that they share with each other. But even the simple things with Niall feel like the most valuable ones.

And Zayn isn’t sure what to do with it. What to make out of that feeling, that information. So he keeps it to himself. But keeps it close to his heart.


	9. these arms were made for holding you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zayn goes back to Leeds

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is gonna be the last "proper" chapter but this is not the end, this is not the end. Anyways: I hope you'll like this one. It's written with loads of love. 
> 
> also: thanks to zoe, as always. <3

Alright, he can do this. He just needs to press that stupid little button. It’s really not that hard to press a bell, is it. But then apparently it is. Cause Zayn finds himself back in Leeds on a late Sunday evening about two weeks after he left in a rush. And Zayn is not just anywhere. Zayn is in front of Niall’s flat. And he doesn’t think he has been this nervous since Harry dragged him on that stupid rollercoaster ride at the fair they went to during freshers week about three years ago. Then again that has been a different kind of nervousness. It’s been the angsty, ‘I really dislike rollercoaster rides and why do the build these things so high’ kind of nervous, the all sweaty hands kind of nervous. But this one, this one is a different kind of nervousness.

So Niall and he have been texting. He didn’t really realise how he had been holding on to his phone for almost the whole time since he replied to Niall’s text the other week. It’s just been really nice, all these little banters and light conversation. It’s been nice, to finally get his mind off all that confusion Liam put into his head. So they have been texting a little.

“Who is this you’ve been texting the last couple of days?” his sister asked the other day.

“No one,” Zayn mumbled back at her, more focused on the TV showing one of his favourite Power Ranger Episodes from when he was younger. He really wasn’t in the mood talking to his sister right now. Especially not about who’s he has been texting all week.

“For a no one, they have quite the impact on you,” she continued after a while. Zayn sighs heavily. “Haven’t seen you this attached to your phone since you’ve got your first shitty nokia back in the day.”

“It’s because you never spend much attention to me since you got yours.”

“You really don’t want to talk about them, do you?” “I’d rather have you to shut your beautiful mouth and watch this brilliant episode of Power Rangers with me.”

“Alright I get it. I leave you to it. I just want you to know, that I’m happy that there is someone out there who seems to make you happy. ‘Cause you deserve to be happy.” She responds. The little frown on Zayns face turns into a light smile.

“Zayn, promise me you’ll introduce me to this no one if they will ever become a someone?” she added after a while.

“Promise” he assured her lovingly.

And the thing is Zayn wanted to tell her. He really wanted his family to know about Niall. ‘Cause really everyone should know about Niall. Because Niall is Niall. Niall is valid. Niall makes everyone feel valid. Niall is a lot. Niall is everything. Then again, what even is Niall? Niall has been the boy Zayn met over a month ago. Niall is the boy Zayn meet when he was still utterly heartbroken, confused and devastated. He met Niall at a time, where he wasn’t even sure who he was, and what life meant to him. Niall met a Zayn who was broken into pieces.

And Niall, without Zayn even realising it, put Zayn back together, piece by piece. With the simple things, the simple things like walking and talking, listening and understanding, joking and laughing. The simple things, the daily life kind of things, Things that seem to always be just there. But funnily enough these were the things Zayn had been missing the most. And Niall brought them back. The simple things, and gave them so much more. Niall made them valuable. Niall gave them meaning.

Apparently that’s what Niall does. That’s what Niall does to Zayn.

And when Niall texted him this Sunday afternoon, saying that he has got his surgery tomorrow and that he doesn’t think he has ever been more afraid of something. Zayn immediately started to pack his bag and took the next train back to Leeds. Because he wanted to give Niall back at least a tiny bit of what he has been giving Zayn over the last couple of weeks.

It hadn’t hit him what an irrational move this has been. He hasn’t been thinking about this for one second. He just did it, on autopilot. It didn’t hit him until he stands in front of Niall’s flat. And thats when the nervousness hit him.

_Is has been an really, really stupid idea, Malik. Should have at least thought about this for a second. Like he wants you to be here. He has got other thinks on his mind right now. Probably got his family around. Really, really stupid move. Really stupid._

Zayn was just about to turn around and go home. To leave this all behind and never ever tell anyone about this when the door opened and Niall stood in front of him.

“Zayn?” he asks, the confusion was written across his face but he still wore that beautiful smile of his. “I thought you were home.” He added “Like home, home.”

“I was,” Zayn responded quickly.

“What are you doing here?”

“Uhm.. Visiting you?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, uhm.. “ Zayn coughs slightly. “Yeah, thought you could maybe use a distraction?” Before Niall even had a chance to answer, Zayn adds, “But it seems like you already have plans, so I’m just gonna leave.”

Niall just beams at him. And it’s still an unresolved mystery to Zayn how someone can radiate so much happiness all the time. Even in situations like this, he is having quite a difficult knee surgery (according to Niall and also Google. Yes, Zayn might have looked it up. But that’s so not the point right now) tomorrow. And yet he still radiates.

“I was just going for a little walk. To clear my mind a bit.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Care to join me? I’d love some company, actually.”

“Yes, yeah.”

They slowly start walking down the street. Only about fifteen minutes later, Niall gestures towards an old wooden bench. “I’m really exhausted. Do you mind sitting down for a while?” he asks, a little out of breath.

They sit down in silence but it doesn’t take long for Niall to start rambling.

Niall tells Zayn about Louis’ last game and how he got fouled pretty badly and Harry really couldn’t hold his anger back. He literally yelled throughout the rest of the game. Mostly at number 4, cause that was the “stupid little frog who fouled my boyfriend”. But Zayn know Harry’s angry yelling, you could barely call it angry yelling because it’s still friendly and no one could ever be offended by Harry’s yelling. Which made both of them laugh.

Zayn tells Niall about back home. That he was happy to finally spend some time with his family again. Tells Niall that he hasn’t seen them in ages. And he definitely needs to drive home more often. And that he doesn’t know why he actually stopped going back home.

(He kinda does know but he doesn’t really want to bring Liam up. Liam was the one who never wanted to go home, just for the holiday. Sometimes for the birthdays, but “what really is the point of going home Zayn?” he had always asked, and Zayn always shrugged. Didn’t really know the answer, he just knew that he actually appreciated time at home. He could never really understand why Liam didn’t. But he stayed with Liam, ‘cause apparently that’s what Liam did to him. Made him stay, when it really should have be Zayn leaving a long time ago, ‘cause Liam never stayed or went with Zayn anywhere. But right here with Niall, it’s not about Liam. And it shouldn’t be about Liam, that’s why Zayn keeps this to himself. ‘Cause right here with Niall it’s anything but about Liam.)

Niall tells Zayn that he wants to go home as well. That he hasn’t been there, since he moved to Leeds. Never really had the time. He tells Zayn that he misses Ireland. He misses his family and their big house. The smell of the green grass, irish pubs and pints. The way Niall talks about Ireland makes Zayn wonder why he has never been there because it sounds like the most beautiful place in the world.

It ends in them sharing all these embarrassing nursery and primary school stories. Zayn doesn’t even know how they got there. But imagining little Niall painting everything in the class room except for the big paper in front of him makes Zayn smile brightly.

When they make their way back to Niall’s flat, Zayn refused to believe they’ve been on this “walk” for 2 hours.

“I’d invite you up for a beer but I’m not allowed to drink one tonight, so...” Niall says while he nervously fiddling with his keys.

“That’s alright,” Zayn smiles at him, trying not to show his slight disappointment. “Guess, I…” he mumbles quietly while pointing down the street.

At the same time, Niall lifts his head and looks Zayn straight in the eye, a big smile appearing on his face, “I could make you a tea though?”

“I’d love a tea,” Zayn answers with a polite smile and Niall immediately shoves the key into the lock.

 

After Niall gave Zayn a quick walk around his flat, they stopped in his kitchen to make themselves a cup of tea. His flat is nothing fancy. It’s bigger than Zayn’s and also a lot better furnished. But it’s really just cosy and Niall.

“I like your flat. It’s nice, really cosy.”

“Thanks, appreciate it. Did it all by myself.” He announced with a bright grin.

Zayn arches his eyebrow in appreciation “Did you, huh?”

“My mum might have helped me a bit.” He admits which made Zayn laugh.

“Is that so?”

“I might have lied a bit to impress you.”

“Impress me?” Zayn asked provokingly flirty, which made Niall blush.

“Yes,” Niall confessed shyly and adds, “Also I really wanted a place which would remind me of home. Something that makes me feel like home even though I’m not home.”

“I like that." Zayn says "And as I said before, I really like you flat. It’s really you.” Which made Niall blush even more. Besides Niall’s smile, this is definitely his second best trait.

They slowly made their way to the living room, and let each other fall onto the couch.

“Wow. This is really...”

“Comfy, right?” Niall says, smirking at Zayn.

"Yeah, pretty comfy couch you got yourself, Horan.” “

Thanks, Mister Malik.”

It really is freaking comfy and it’s incredibly late already. And it hits Zayn immediately how exhausted he is. So he just closes his eyes. Just for a second.

“Hey, Zayn,”

“Hm...” he grumbles.

“Zayn, hey. Can you not fall asleep just this second?”

“I’m not falling asleep. I’m really just closing my eyes for a moment. ‘M knackered.”

“I’m really, really knackered, too.” Niall tells Zayn. After a while he murmurs almost quietly “But I feel like my mind is going crazy. It’s picturing out all the worst case scenarios that could possibly happen tomorrow. And I just really want it to stop.”

Zayn opens one eye to look at Niall. And he is really close. Like really, really close. Niall stares at the tv. Even though it’s not on.

“Niall?” Zayn says which makes Niall move his head slowly to his left, to look right into Zayn.

“Hm?”

“Hey. Don’t worry, yeah? It’ll be just fine. It’ll be over before you even realise that it started. And that doctors of yours, didn’t you tell me he’s got quite the good reputation?”

“Yeah, he does. Still…” Niall looks really worried.

Zayn isn’t sure he’s seen him anything like this. His eyes look lost and Zayn can see nothing of the so familiar sparkle in them. Zayn doesn’t want to see him like this. So he didn’t even thought about his next move (See a pattern here. Apparently not thinking about his next move is something Niall does to Zayn, or doesn’t?! Either or...), Zayn lifts his arms and gestures for Niall to move even closer.

“Hey, c‘mere.” He says softly.

And Zayn doesn’t need to tell Niall twice before he is moving closer to Zayn, snuggling into his arms. He rests his head on Zayn shoulders. Both of them breathing a bit quicker than normal, but in sync. They stay in this silence for a while. Just the two of them. Slowly steadying their breathing. Zayn holds Niall, tries to calm him with slow, little rubs along his back. Comforting and assuring him. While he tries to not freak out mentally.

“This is even more comfy.” It was Niall who broke the long but pleasant silent. He moved his head up to look straight at Zayn. “You make my already comfy couch even more comfortable.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment.”

“It’s meant as one.” And there it was, that beautiful smile of his appeared on his face. And Zayn couldn’t help himself but to close that small distance between the two of them, to firmly press his lips on Niall’s.

-

 

The first time Niall wakes up after his surgery, Zayn is there. Of course he is. But Niall only mumbles vague stuff and instantly closes his eyes again and falls back to sleep.

The second time Niall wakes up, he mumbles something about the dream he had about them, about all four of them. What Zayn got from the quiet mutter, the four of them were the world biggest boyband. Going on sold out stadium tours, selling records after records. “What a sick life that would be. Imagine Zayn. The four of us conquering the world.” Zayn likes the idea. Though he thinks he is fine with them conquering their little world.

The third time he wakes up he manages to actually keep his eyes open for a while. He doesn’t start talking instantly this time. He just tries to keep his eyes open and pinned on Zayn. After a minute of silence he says, “I really need to take you on a proper date as soon as I’m out of here,” with a small beautiful grin on his face. Before falling asleep almost instantly, the smile never leaving his lips.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. this means a big load to me. xx  
> i'm happy for every kudos or comment you guys leave me. You also could totally stop by [ my tumblr](http://www.imightaswelll.tumblr.com) to say 'hi' if you like to. :)


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